Does Your Other Half Truly Understand You

This morning I was sitting in my chair, drinking coffee and reading a book as I always do. My wife, passing by to go get ready for work told me in a very caring tone, "why don't you start your day with some activity? Go out, enjoy the day." Her comment as true and caring as it was flared up a sensitive subject. I didn't say anything but she could see that I was upset. We hugged and kissed, and she went on her way to work. She called me a few minutes later saying she was sorry for upsetting me. I was nearly in tears for two reasons. The fact that she was apologizing for something she said out of deep care for me. And the fact that what she said brought down, much harder, the mental hammer that I always beat myself with for the same thing.

You see, I'm a fifty-seven-year-old male who is overweight to the point of obesity. I was born much heavier than a normal child, and I was brought up by overweight parents to whom not spoiling your appetite before a meal, and finishing the food on your plate was a big thing. That, plus the fact that they too were very inactive. So are my sister and two brothers. I guess I can say I was born to be fat. I remember as a kid I played with my younger brother in the house but it was always me sitting, and he running around. I've always, from my childhood till this day been in a constant mental battle with myself for being so inactive, and as a result, being overweight.

I've had a pretty successful life with a career that spans over thirty-five years as a software engineer. I love doing what I do and enjoy every minute of it. But sitting in front of a computer all day long gives me yet another reason to be inactive which, unfortunately, suits my nature. My wife on the other hand is pretty active both at home and at work. She gets going from the minute she gets up. So when she sees me sitting in a chair while she’s doing things around the house, she’s naturally bothered by it. Now, that’s not because she thinks I don’t help with chores and responsibilities. No, no. We share those fairly equally, even somewhat heavier on my side. It’s also not because she doesn’t see my contributions. She just has a hard time embracing the fact that I’m not as active as she is.

She and I have been together for over thirty-five years, and we love each other ever so strongly. We communicate well and do a good job with the general principle of give-some-take-some in our marriage, to a point that we rarely go more than a few hours being upset with each other. One of us, regardless of whether he/she was the culprit, will always approach the other and apologize and hug. Always.

So, when I try to explain to her that my inactivity isn’t by choice but by nature she says she understands me, and I know she does. But understanding isn’t embracing, for she too has her nature.

Understanding is knowing a person to a point that you know the reasons for his/her personalities that don’t fit yours. In a loving relationship, you try and cope with personality conflicts, constantly reminding yourself of the reason for the conflict, and you keep pushing it off your mind. But then one day a tiny little harmless statement or action becomes the straw, and you explode. This happens because even though you love the person deeply, and you know why they are the way they are, you will not, or shall I say cannot, embrace it.

Embracing, on the other hand, goes way beyond understanding. It is the ability to adjust to one’s personalities that conflict with yours, to a level that you don’t even notice them, much less feel the need to cope. The ability to embrace is extremely difficult, if not impossible, for you too have your nature. I say it’s impossible because I’ve personally had no success in my life-long struggle with trying to change parts of my personality for the better. And that comes from a person who tries real hard because he believes in his heart that you can’t expect others to change to your liking. You must change yourself. If you want to like someone, you must like them exactly as they are, not as you’d want them to be.

So, back to the inactivity issue between me and my wife. In the phone conversation I mentioned above, I told her I knew indeed that she understood me. But I asked her to embrace me. I explained to her what I meant by it. But then in the same conversation, it dawned on me that what I was asking of her was unfair, because I was asking her the impossible. Plus, I was violating my own rule of “change yourself, not others”. And I told her so.

In conclusion, what prompted me to post this blog is the question of, do we truly understand our other halves, and is it possible to fully embrace them for who they are?

What do you think? Do you have stories of your own? Leave your comments below.